A post that doesn't know where to go

2:54am

Not even a yawn.

I slept earlier at 5 in the afternoon, woke up to the sound of my alarm at 7:30, but only got out of bed past ten. I would've continued to sleep if I had an early dinner; but I didn't, and my tummy's grumbling, so I had to munch on something.

I thought this day would be productive. I had planned to do my assignmnents, both in our org and in my academics. I lost control of time this Christmas break, so I really had to rush things. But there's one thing that's keeping me. One tiny thing that slows me down. I had to think of my life. It was quite some time before I actually did this.

Some Me-Time

When I was in high school, I never had the properly functioning body clock. I slept past midnight almost everyday, got up at bed (or forced out of bed) at four, dozed off on the trike going to school. Give me a few minutes, then I'd be asleep. Our break was for 20 minutes, which I either use for doing my assignments, or sleep. Lunch was for 40 minutes. I'd eat for 20, then doze off for the remaining 20. After classes, I'd play DoTA, stay at a friend's house (probably at Shan's), or go straight home. Eat dinner, do my assignments, then spend the rest of the night surfing the net. Mind you, I was on dial up. Internet connection was really slow. But I managed. Friendster. Porn Sites. Image Search Engines. All cool stuff, as I had thought. I was living my life at such a fast pace, I didn't know what the word rest means.

I don't know where this post leads to, I don't even have a specific point to say. I just want to "scribble" all my thoughts.

With all humility in my head, others regard me as an achiever. But behind those medals, high-marked exams, perfected grammar, memorized English quotes, smiles, laughter, good pieces of advice, good image (if I do have a good image).. a weak boy emerges. He isn't as tough as you have seen him. He is a crybaby who cries while watching movies, a hopeless romantic (as Ma'am Charm regards me) who loves deeply yet always gets hurt, an insomniac who'd choose to study rather than sleep, a weak-sprited man who'd give in to trifles and fake pleasures, a wanderer who loves to go out at night and stare blankly into thin air, a child who needs the image of a father, a perfectionist who sometimes forget to appreciate mediocrity. Now, you may see me as a pretentious piece of sh*t who ought to do a lot of changing. And I am trying, mind me. And trust me, it isn't easy.

Looking blankly into the future

I want to grow up. Have work. Work hard, then work harder. I want to keep myself busy. But if you ask me where all these efforts are directed, I'd stare at you hard. Maybe an "I don't even know.." is the best I can mumble. I want to grow up. I want to grow up. Now if time can't help with this, I think I'll have to make a few adjustments.

As others might have known, I do seek a visible father image; an image I am trying to complete until the present. Don't get me wrong, I have a father. He's alive, no marital problems whatsoever. Fine with finances, though I don't really care.

Is that reason enough why I frequent the streets at night looking at dads with their kids? Or, when I hold a basketball in my hand and wish I knew how to dribble it right? Or, when I have a good time hanging out with older men I regard as kuyas? I'm not so sure.

As I matured with the passing of days, I slowly started to make myself feel more responsible for the things that a father would have done. I'd think of sending my brother to college. I'd plan to save up for a good condo unit. However, not everything's for the family. I'd also plan to live far from home. Maybe with a parter, maybe alone. Then I'd go to work, keep myself busy again, and do the same things. Sorry if this post's becoming too childlike now. I doubt if anyone would even come too far to read this part, or if anyone would even find this post worth reading, or my blog, or.. the list goes on. *laughs*

On a much lighter mood

I think this should be on another post.

*sighs* People grow up. Some grow slow, others grow fast. Or it might be on another view: We all grow up, all at the same pace, only with different perspectives. Some might be too busy thinking first thing in the morning, only to find themselves at bed at night, the day gone without them noticing. Others, on other hand, may live life slowly; think of things one at a time, laugh some, cry some, and wake up the next day to find other things to do. As I have done.