A Good Start

11:29pm
Feeling satisfied

A short blog post after what seemed like an eternity
More than 50 pushups
More than 50 crunches
Five newly downloaded movies
Eight hours of work
Eight in the evening already at home
Three cups of rice
Cherifer to boost the inches
Clean-shaven
Estimated six hours of sleep
A great day at work tomorrow

What a great day. I hope this is a good start for me. Tomorrow I will be receiving my first salary as a regular employee. A bit higher than what I used to receive. Goody goody.

Sana bago matapos ang linggong ito makapagsulat pa ulit ako. Na-miss kita bloggy. Palaging sa kawalan ko na lang hinihinga ang mga tagumpay at hinanakit ko sa buhay.

Never Too Much

We can never have too much of happiness that it's fine to laugh at our mistakes.

We can never have too much of sadness that it's fine to shed a tear when we feel too tired of the things that are going around us.

We can never have too much of love, yes love, that it's fine to give love to those who deserve it, to value those whom we love, and even to get hurt because of love.

Quickie post

As I read my blog posts, I noticed that my mind was frequently changing.

I want to do work.
I want to rest.
And that switches every uhh, week?

Maybe I was just tired from the tasks. I had to code a four-screened function for almost two weeks. Ambagal ng progress ko nun. Kahit ako hindi na-satisfy.

Bring back the good times

I have been working for four months now.
I have also felt that for four months, I'm just drifting on an unknown land.
Aimless. Lacking a sense of greater purpose.

But now, I realized that I don't need to find a purpose.
I don't need one because I already have one. More than one.
My family.
My friends.
Learning.
My life.
My future.
My pension residence and funeral. Kidding.
And a love life that is soon to follow.

Cheers for a better me.

A longer Wednesday night

Eyes On Me
It was just a dream

It would be better to play Eyes on Me on the background while reading.

Last Wednesday was another night of firsts.

...my words, wishing they would be heard

I was one of the last two employees to leave the office, hence was partly responsible for shutting down all airconditioning units, lights, and eventually my silence.

I was with Sir Ed. After finishing the last four slices of the pizza left from Igi, Faye and Jay, we left Tektite.

You'd always be there in the corner, of this tiny little bar.

I took this opportunity to chat with one of the people that I highly respect in Azeus. Ed was with the company for almost three years. I recall the first time I saw him, it was only through Facebook. He was the meek-looking guy. Up to now, I prefer to see him that way. My prejudice spared me the agony of having to change perceptions.

Argh, I am so sleepy.

To cut the story short, I saw him in a new light. A new light I can't say better or worse than the previous one, just different. I was eager to befriend people of his kind. But the way I see things, the more I get to know him more, the farther I'll get, the greater the distance will be. By the time I get know him in full, I might never see the prejudged Ed anymore, the Ed my mind had plotted for all these times. What is wrong with me.

Work

1:05am

I had so many plans in mind when I signed my first (and so far my only) employment contract.

Work starts at eight and ends at five. No plans of doing work at home. Have fun. Learn.

Time flies faster than I thought. I've been employed for a little over than three months. Now looking back to my plans: almost everything went according to plan. No work when I get home, and even on weekends. I am having a blast. Good-looking people. Warm. And so on. Well.. almost. Everything but one.

I planned to blog (and a lot other things) while working. I said to myself that I'd have all the time in the world after office hours. But no, work extends up to 10pm. Sometimes only at nine, sometimes even up to 11. Don't get me wrong, I was never forced to stay late; I just felt I needed to learn more. And to learn more, the more that I want and need, wasn't part of the task list. I didn't bother to know how useful a command prompt was. Nor care about IP Addresses. Learning web programming wasn't part of my lifelong dreams. But hey, no can really tell what happens when. Up to now, I'm still learning. And having fun, just to remind myself.

The standards are high, and from what I've heard (and probably experienced), the real me wouldn't mind spending a few hours extra at work - without being paid. I don't mind actually. The basic salary is fine, and that's probably one of the least of my worries.

I just want to see the day that I will become satisfied with my performance. That I don't need to do overtime because I feel left behind. That I think will come in time.

I do hope that my blog will be at a better state and wouldn't look so flat as the title of the blog post. Kidding.

Ito na naman

3:50am


Gusto kita.

Parang pabunot ng plug sa saksakan, walang paliguy-ligoy.
Walang Changes have been made, do you want to continue? na alert.
Walang notifications kung hanggang saan na ang narating ng pagtingin ko.
Araw-araw akong umaasa.

Sa inaraw-araw na pagpasok ko sa office, routine ko na ang magbukas ng maliit na browser.
Tagal mo namang pumasok.
Refresh. Ayan, nakapasok ka na.
Makabisita nga sa workstation kung saan makikita na naman kita.

Lagi kang nakatutok sa trabaho.
Di ka man lang lumilingon.
Sa bagay, sino ba ako para lingunin.
Sa bagay, ni hindi mo nga alam na ako'y may lihim na pagtingin.

Kapag nagkasalubong tayo wala akong masabi.
Wala akong masabi na pwedeng marinig ng iba.
Uy ang cute mo ngayon. Uy gusto mo sumabay kumain? Uy ngumiti ka naman para sa akin.
Na-miss ko yung pagngiti mo na halos kinakain na ng talukap mo ang iyong mga mata.

Linggu-linggo kong tinitingnan kung may bago kang post sa wall mo.
Kung may bagong kinahuhumalingan. Bagong kanta. Bagong pupuntahan.
Sana naghihintay ka sa lalaking para sa'yo.
Kung ganoon man, heto't parating na ako.

Christian Bautista pala. Kaya kong kantahin yan para sa'yo.
Tumatakbo ka pala. Heto't nagsasanay na din ako. Sasabayan kita.
Masyado kang matalino. Ok lang, sabay tayong magpakatanga sa pag-ibig.
Ang sarap umasa. Ang sarap maghandang magmahal muli.

Alam ko ang birthday mo. Middle name mo. Phone number mo.
Kulang na lang ihatid kita sa inyo.
Kulang na lang sabihin kong ika'y aking gusto.
Kulang na lang paunlakan mo ang paanyaya ko.

Ilang araw na kitang nakilala?
Mga labimpitong araw palang pala.
May pa-gustu-gusto pa akong nalalaman.
Sabi ko na. Ito na naman.

Happy Working

9:48pm

"To be successful, the first thing to do is fall in love with your work."
-Sister Mary Lauretta

There is no perfect company. Looking further down the list, you can never also have a perfect set of friends, a perfect family, nor even a perfect life. We can only have the best attitude for every moment, or at least the most appropriate reaction to make every moment worthwhile.

I just want to share what I had experienced so far with my 7 weeks at work.


Point 0: Starting Somewhere.

I started working on June 18 as a Software Developer in a good IT company located in Ortigas. The specifics, I think, I have written previously in this blog too. As usual, I found myself experiencing a lot of firsts. Needless to say, everytime I encounter something new, I savor the moment. I tried to be at my best - arrive early, do tasks beyond expectations, speak well of myself and the company I'm working in. At times, my best still isn't enough. Soon enough will I realize, my best is yet to come.


Point 0.000 000 001, or at least anything greater than 0: Start Improving.

I can say I grew up and was nurtured in a competitive environment. In this environment, I am fully aware that no best thing exist. Everything goes down, but can also go up. Everything moves, and you'll get left behind if you stay where you are. This environment, I call myself, makes me aware that I have to start things up. Knowing that there is always a self to make better everyday, I always find a reason to improve.

I remember my current mentor, Sir Ed, who share this same principle that I had. I literally had goosebumps when he said that we compete against ourselves. I was glad to meet people who do not base growth on others. Here at Azeus, I jumped from doing no-brainer programming to real coding.


Point 1: Acknowledging I Have Learned Something.

Although I have seen how far I had improved from point 0, I am not able to see the end of the line of learning. In reality, there is no end to the other side of the line. I keep on learning, and mark these learning points as points of success. Upon graduating in college, I only knew Fortran, and only the basics of it. A few weeks before joining the company, I studied Java on my own. Now, I have been acquainted with so much. So much I can't tell exactly what (you know why), but I really learned.

I love where I am now because I personally get to acknowledge that I have learned something.


Point A: Because It Wasn't a Line to Begin With

Learning about programming languages is one thing. Learning about the company is another. Learning about your co-workers is still another one. Every mentor I had, every language I get to learn, is a totally new experience. When I'm at work, I have mental lists of what I have to accomplish, and these include getting to know my co-workers more.

I love my job because I like the people I'm working with, or I can find ways to enjoy their company.


Tomorrow's another day. The final phase of our training starts on Tuesday. I have so much to share, yet so little time to organize my thoughts.

I just want share a secret. I used to think that I can be successful in everything I do - with the right attitude, the right skill, and the right timing. With this company, its demands, and its fast pace, people are challenged to make two steps at a time. I'm not surprised that I often find myself lost among a bunch of codes, or stuck at a method that I can't absorb. I'm not surprised that I needed to voluntarily stay late to catch up with everyone else. I have to do things the hard way. I used to believe that efforts can take me to success.

The secret? Luckily that thinking of mine still holds. I may look tired at times, but deep inside, I say to myself that I will get this in time, or in effort, or in prayers.

Miss You

11:21 pm

Happy Birthday Papa! Dito ko na lang ipaabot ang pagbati ko. Tumawag kami kanina, kaso naka-answering machine na. Baka pagod ka na din. Salamat sa lahat ng paghihirap mo. Kahit hindi tayo madalas na nagkikita, mahal na mahal pa din kita. Sana umuwi ka na dito.

Sa lahat ng mga anak diyan, pahalagahan natin ang ating mga ama. Si Papa, 64 na. Gusto ko, hangga't maaari, magkakasama na kami. Gusto ko hindi na siya namomroblema sa mga gastusin sa bahay. Walang perpektong ama. Hindi rin natin pwedeng piliin ang ating ama, pero kayang kaya nating gawing makabuluhan ang pagsasama natin.

Muli, maligayang kaarawan Pa!

Habulin Mo Ako

11:18 pm

May narining ako. Habulin mo ako. Pupungas pungas akong tatayo para  tingnan kung anong oras na. Sh*t. Alas singko na pala. Baka makarating na ako ng alas otso sa office. Gusto kong makarating nang maaga kahit alas nuwebe pa naman ang simula ng training. Magre-review pa ako ng mga materials kahapon.

Good morning ma. 
Kiss.
Tara kain.
Kaunting kuwentuhan.
Kaunting mumog.
Kaunting kuskos ng katawan.
Kaunting hininga.
Baclaran.
MRT Shaw.
Office.

Alas nuwebe. Simula na ng panibagong hamon sa araw na ito. Matatapos din ang araw na simbilis ng aking buntung hininga sa bawat lesson na hindi ko kaagad-agad maintindihan. Pagpatak ng alas sais, pagamamasdan ko ang paglubog ng araw. Uwian. Nagawa na ba kitang habulin? Hindi pa. Hahabulin kita hanggang sa makuha kita.

Welcome home.
Kain ng kaunti.
Usap nang kaunti.

Aral pa nang bahagya.

Ganito ako mula Lunes hanggang Biyernes. Magigising dapat ng 4:30 am. Makakauwi ng 9:00 pm, o mas gabi pa. Matutulog ng 11:00 pm. Nakakapagod din pala. Pagod sa mahigit apat na oras na biyahe araw araw. Sa dalawang linggo ko sa trabaho, masaya ang puso at isip ko, kahit na may iniinda akong pagod. Akala ko sapat yung mahal mo kung ano ang ginagawa mo.

Habulin mo ako. Hindi na ito sigaw ito ng mga gawain ko sa pang-araw araw. Akala ko kasi ako si Superman. Akala ko kasi kaya ng Tongkat Ali na ibalik ang lahat ng lakas na inilalabas ng katawan ko. Akala ko may lakas ako sa lahat ng hamon ng buhay na ibinabato sa akin. Habulin mo ako. Sigaw na pala ito ng katawan at kalusugan ko na unti unti nang bumibigay sa pagod. Kailangan ko din ipahinga nang kaunti ang aking katawan.

Simula ngayon, sisimulan ko nang umuwi ng eksaktong alas sais. Hindi ko na aalalahanin ang mga training materials tuwing Sabado at Linggo. Susubukan kong maglakad-lakad ulit sa parke. Manood ng movie. Magbasa ng libro. Mag-text. Mag-blog. Makipagkuwentuhan sa pamilya. Live a life. Buhay ko, habulin mo ako.

Quickie Post

9:53am

This is the way things have been since I started last Monday. I wouldn't even notice the passing of time. I would wake up, and walk with a light head. Lack of sleep is one of my biggest enemy. But amidst the lack of  sleep, I still have the passion to go to work.

Wednesday marks the end of our first module on Oracle 11g. A module just about 7 days. Wednesday also marks our first graded assessment. I AM EXCITED.

New Beginning

Today marks a new chapter in my life.

Yesterday is a diary of my successes, my failures, my mistakes, and my learnings.

Tomorrow is a check list of my achievements, my improvements and my dreams.

Optimism to fuel me at the start of every day.

Failure to have something to look forward to as I go to sleep.

Passion for breakfast. 

Codes for snacks. 

Sarcasm for dessert. 

Laughter for dinner.

Today, I greet the world as a professional. I'm also hoping that professionalism will also be at my side. More challenges, more friends, more money, more fun.

What a way to start the morning. Feels so good.

Countdown

5:50
Wrap up

Ilang oras na lang at malapit na akong magsimulang magtrabaho. Wrap up ng mga bagay na dapat kong gawin.

• Requirements
• Damit
• Jitter management
• Etc.

Kaya ko to! Excited haha.

Happy Father's Day!

3:00pm
Just called to say I love you

I wasn't even able to say I love you Dad. I just said "Happy Father's Day" and "Hope to see you soon", which caused him to chuckle a bit. I know it's been more than 6 years. I'm not even counting. However, I'm thrilled to get to the day when we'll be happy living together. You, Mama, Kenneth, and Me.

Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there!

Eureka!

1:51pm
Noong nakita mo ang sagot na matagal mo nang hinahanap

Umamin ka. Mas masarap sa ating pandinig na marinig ang mga sagot na atin ding ginugusto. Naranasan ko nang tanungin nang paulit-ulit ang kapatid ko kung pumayat na ako, at titigil lang kapag narinig ko ang kanyang matamis na pambobola. Naiisip ko, kaya siguro may second at third opinions ang mga pasyente. Madalas, naka-ugat na din ito sa pag-asang magiging ayon sa atin ang karamihan (kundi man lahat) ng bagay.

Umamin ka. Kung isa kang pangkaraniwang anak mula sa isang pangkaraniwang pamilya, may pagnanais kang makatapos ng pag-aaral, paunlarin ang sarili at maipakita sa iyong magulang ang iyong pagmamahal sa pamamagitan ng pagtulong sa kanila. 

Ilang araw na din simula nang tanungin ko si mama sa halaga na dapat kong ibigay sa bahay. Bigo ako. Syempre sasabihin niya, "Ikaw ang bahala," sabay paglaki ng butas ng ilong. Hindi ko tuloy alam. Nangangapa ako sa ganitong issue. Sinubukan ko namang tanungin ang ilang kaibigan ko. At dahil iba't iba kami ng pamilyang kinalakhan, iba't iba kami ng eksena sa buhay pagta-trabaho, malamang iba-iba rin ang nakuha kong sagot.

Hanggang sa nakita ko ang mga katagang ito sa internet (mula sa PinoyExchange):

...but i plan to give my first paycheck to my mom tapos afterwards, i'll give only when i can. 

0%. They don't need money from me.

20% lang din sakin. Wish I could give more but its all I can for now

Nakarinig na ako ng mga bagay na ginusto kong marining. Hindi naman pala talaga kailangang magbigay ng napakalaking halaga. Malapit ko na sanag bigkasin ang Eureka sa utak ko for the 50th time. Hanggang sa makabasa ako ng mga ito:

syempre... a sign of utang na loob.. kasi im kind of a generous person... hehe

i don't think giving them money is a sign of "utang na loob"...if I'd be a parent someday, it'll be a slap in my face if my kids would give me money as a sign of "utang na loob"...if i want to show them "utang na loob" i'd just do the ff. love, respect and honor them by being a good child, citizen and student.

lahat.. humihingi na lang ako ng allowance.. madami kasi kami bayarin e.. 

yay.. i wish i can.. but both my parents are deceased.. 

I wish I gave more to my mom. Now that she's passed away, I realize that she's given me more in the way of love, kindness, patience, understanding, and listening that any amount of money can ever buy. R.I.P. Mom!

Ipagmaumanhin kung nahatak agad ako ng emosyon, pero totoo din naman ang mga ito. All these times, I have been thinking of how little I can make my contributions for the expenses. Sapat na din sigurong may maipon ako sa aking sarili at makatulong sa gastusin sa bahay. Inaamin ko, may kaunting bigat sa pakiramdam. Sana lang, itong bigat mawala na din kinalaunan.

Naalala ko ang sinabi ng isa kong kaibigan, "Nag-iiba talaga ang magulang kapag usapang pera na," Sana hindi ito mangyari sa kanila.

boolean IAmASoftwareDeveloper = true: On Becoming a Software Developer

1:10am
Jitters be gone

I hope you didn't freak out and stopped from reading this post the moment you saw the title. I'd be much happier if the title got you interested. The title just means that finally, I am  a real Software Developer, written in alien-ish pseudocode. However, the title only holds for the job description. My performance would tell me (or otherwise) if I had been a good nerdy programmer.

Moving on, realizing that I'm going to work for an IT company, I wanted to ensure an as-much-as-possible-smooth career. I have tried and will try to search for areas for development, sites to keep me hooked in this field of expertise, and certifications to further.. certify my being a programmer.

A biased photo from a biased blogger.

Competitive Programming

This is where I mastered the art of writing small to average-sized programs using a Java Virtual Machine (JVM), with Java as my programming language of choice. Believe me, it was hard. It took me a while actually use my JVM since I didn't know that it lacked some components (which I had installed at a later time). With Competitive Programming, I had also learned basic user input and output. But, greatest of all the contributions Competitive Programming has brought upon me is red burning passion. Because of this, I was very eager in solving problems, and learning along the way. Well, I have to admit, it feels good when you have solved a problem while some soul couldn't, or at least wouldn't.

I am regularly trying to solve problems only in this site, but I plan to join some other ones.

• CodeChef (the aforementioned site)
• Code Golf (for Perl, Python, PHP, Ruby)
• Sphere Online Judge
• Timus Online Judge
• TopCoder, Inc.
• Codeforces
• ACM International Collegiate Programming Contest

Certifications

An Azeus interviewer by the name of Mr. Gerry Chua during my individual technical interview for the Software Developer position told me this (not in verbatim): "Java may be one of the best programming languages of today, but no one can tell if it will still be in the future. So as a good developer, you should know how to adapt, and learn a programming language as the case arises."

There are two essential points there. One, Java is a good programming language to learn, and the other, is that I need to be able to learn another language as quickly as possible, when there is a need to do so. The revolution from assembly language Fortran to object oriented SmallTalk or Simula took less time than Fipinos getting independence since Magellan's arrival here. I think that is a good enough reason for me to take seriously what Mr. Chua said.

I have searched for certifications on various programming languages and have come up with the following list. I plan to add more to this wish list. I also plan to slash some of them hopefully in the future. *looks above, and prays hard*

• Oracle Certification Programs (especially the Oracle Certified Professional, Java SE Programmer), that comes with a useful blog
• Certified Software Development Associate/Professional
• Microsoft Certifications

I'm not even sure which of these are more relevant to my current job. It doesn't hurt to have a mental list though.

Research

Having graduated from a university where research and instruction are vital, I also want to be open to research, either in my undergraduate course (Applied Mathematics), in Computer Science, in both, or in any field related to the two. Good thing there are a lot of conceptual spider webs intertwined between Applied Math and ComSci. Lucky career-shfiter that I am.

Of course, target research journals are those that are ISSI-indexed, but as I tell myself, there will always be a need for humble beginnings.

Life Cycle

As of the moment, I'm enjoying most of the stages in becoming a full-fledged taxpayer, minus the tax paying, of course (which I personally believe that will never be worth enjoying). If this is the path I'm going to take, so be it. If I wouldn't be given a chance to practice my undergraduate courses, then all is still well. I'm happy now, I have a plan not only for myself, and I think, that is just as good as a program that prints Hello World! backwards in hexadecimal format. Cool no? Heck, I don't even know how to do that yet.

photo source

Jitters. Jitters.

1:00am
Struggling to fix my body clock

As the title of this blog post implies. I'm having the jitters. It's less than a week before I get to start working. Work means more money, more frequent bouts of back pain (though I'm still young), and more rounds of good morning sunshine.

I remembered a post I have read somewhere on reasons for transferring to another company. This is what I liked best, not written in verbatim.

If you find yourself waking up everyday with a desire to go to work, no matter how little that desire is, then stay. But if you find yourself waking up and making a mental note of the many grudging hours you still need to work for the day, then it's time to pack your things in search for another job.

I do hope this jitter will persist for a very long time, if not replaced by a better-sounding emotion. June 18. June 18. Oh, there goes the jitters again.

Not a Suicide Note

1:51am
Sa alak lang ba nakukuha ang hangover?

Tick tock. Tick tock. Hindi yan tunog ng orasan sa kwarto. Sa totoo lang, wala pa nga akong nakitang orasan na tick tock ang nagagawang tunog. It's just a mental note. It's a note to self that the hands of clock, more so my life, goes on even if I do my best to hold my breath for 16 counts. It's a note that my life doesn't get any younger. Ito na naman ako. Sa katahimikan ng gabi, lumilipad talaga ako paalis ng katinuan. Masuwerte na kapag bumalik ang aking katinuan at may dala itong maayos at hindi pira-pirasong kuwento. Mas masuwerte kung sisipagin akong gawan ng kuwento ang paglalakbay na ginawa ko. Ngunit tulad ng gutom sa gitna ng gabi, madalas ay itinutulog ko na lang. Kaunting paraos sa hangin, kaunting paramdam sa mga taong binisita ng aking walang katinuang isipan, at susundan na ito ng isang mahimbing na pagtulog.

Sabi nga ng isa kong nakasama kanina, "We only get to live once," sabay subo ng pagkain at pagtawa. Sumakit ang tiyan ko, at hindi ko alam kung kinabag sa kakatawa, o sa halu-halong pagkain. Pero dahil we only get to live once, hindi ko na hinanapan ng dahilan.

Sabi din ng isa kong kasama kanina, "Masyado mong pinaplano ang buhay mo," isang bagay na agad ko din namang inamin sa sarili ko. Nakakatuwa lang kasing magplano sa simula. Sa simula, napakarami ng bagay na pwedeng gawin. Sa bandang huli, parang execution na lang ng mga bagay na pinagplanuhan mo sa simula. Ang tawag dito, ningas-kugon. Alam ko namang ningas-kugon ako sa maraming bagay, kundi man sa lahat. Tanggap ko na ito.

Kaya ngayon, habang hindi pa sikat ang blog na ito, habang hindi pa ako dinadapuan ng katamaran, habang high na high pa ako sa road trip, habang hindi pa ako nakaka-get over sa mga pangyayari, at habang nagagawa ko pang huminga at magsabi ng tick tock sa aking isipan, isusulat ko na ang mga ito:

June 6, 2012

Aventus Medical Clinic

Medical Exam ko, huli sa mga kinakailangang magampanan para sa aking pinakaunang trabaho sa Azeus sa June 18. Sa lahat ng nagtiwala sa akin, kahit alam kong kulang pa ang isang kaban ng bigas para makarating ako sa standards ng kumpanya, maraming salamat. Tick tock. Tick tock. Time remaining: A little more than a week. Oras na para mamaalam sa petiks na buhay freerider at kumilos para sa mga luho ko sa katawan at isipan.

June 7, 2012

Shan's Residence

Mini-reunion ng Wisdom (4th Year HS). Isang bagay na ipinilit kong maayos at mag-push through kahit nilalangaw ang post ko sa FB group namin. Sariling sikap ng iilan: post ko, reply nila, tawa ako, tawa din sila. Like like na kunyaring nagustuhan ang comments pero para lang naman talaga ma-up sa News Feed ng mga kaklase naming nakalimutan na yatang may kaibigan sila noong High School. Joke lang. Malapit na din kasi ang Nursing Board Exam (June 30 - July 1), at karamihan ay naghahanap ng trabaho. Salamat: 

Shan (at sa video, sa bahay, sa mga pagkain), 

XT (na three octaves ang vocal range), 

Anabe (sa limpak limpak na delata na pwedeng nang bumuhay ng pamilya ng isang lingg), 

Celito (sa mga kuwentong sidelines na petiks pero kumikita), 

Sir Danjo (yihee ang isaw ko sa Diliman ha), 

Kim Julia (yay sa libreng Magnum na first Magnum ko din),

Geanellie (na lagi kaming nauunahan ni Kim sa magagandang emo songs sa videoke),

at sa mga cast ng Princess and I na nakita pa naming nagshu-shoot kahit alas-tres na ng madaling araw. Pahabol na kilig pa.

Sana maulit muli.

June 8, 2012

Makati-ish Pasay-ish

Kinailangan naming magkita ng ninong ko dahil may iaabot siya sa akin. Tumingin kami sa SM Makati, nalaman kong pwede palang pang-semi formal ang Chino's, na mura din pala ang slacks ng Main Street, na sale din sa SM Makati, at magkakaroon talaga ng inuman kapag nagkita-kita kami sa isang malamig na Biyernes ng gabi. 

Lo, Nong, salamat dahil kahit alam ninyong maharot ako, hindi niyo pa din ako pinipigilan. Salamat sa nandiyan kayo sa likod ko sa tuwing gagawa ako ng kalokohan, pero mawawala kapag nalaman ninyong pwede kayong madamay. Joke. Nakatutuwang isipin at makakita ng isang matibay na relasyong binuo ng mabigat na pinagdadaanan.

Nong, hindi ko pa din ang ipinangako kong trip sa Europe kapag pareho na tayong mayaman. Huwag kang mag-alala, ipinangako ko din na hindi kita ililibre. Baka lang nagkakalimutan tayo.

Julius at Dante, salamat sa oras at sa espasyong pinahiram ninyo para sa kuwentuhan at tulugan. Sana kapag sumikat na itong blog ko, sana magawa niyo ding ayusin ang layout nito, pati na din ang aking mga pangungusap. I'm assuming here that my blog can get famous with its current sleepy layout. Note to self: Mag-ayos ng blog layout.

June 9, 2012

UP Los Banos

Sila ang sumagad ng pasensiya ko. Nagtitimpi lang ako sa sayang pinagdadaanan ko, pero sa sobrang saya nila kasama, heto ako't nagsusumbong sa aking munting pahina. Umuwi ako ng alas 6 mula Pasay. May tatlong oras na tulog, lumampas sa sinakyang bus, na-late sa usapang alas 9 ng umaga sa Alabang. Nag-alala ako sa simula. Pero heto naman ako, pagod pero masaya.

Curie, salamat sa kotse. Mas naging masaya ang pagbisita sa UPLB dahil pwede tayong magsigawan nang walang naiistorbo maliban sa mga natutulog sa atin. Salamat kasi nakita ko ang pagsisikap mo na buhayin ang usapan, sa mga pamamaraan muntik ko na ikahimatay. Joke. Pero salamat talaga. Sa totoo lang, hindi kita matantiya sa text, or sa forum, pero kapag nagkikita na tayo sa personal, parang panibagong Curie ang nakikita ko. Sabi ko nga kay Obet, hangang hanga ako sa'yo, at nahihiya na din. Sana mas makapalagayan pa kita ng loob. Salamat sa munting discussion sa tarpaulin ng sales ng DTRI. Ang sarap mong kasama kasi hindi ka nawawalan ng ngiti at kuwento. At marunong ka pang mag-basketball. Dahil diyan, tikom ang bibig ko sa sino mang magtatanong ng edad mo.

Obet, congratulations sa isang masayang bakasyon. Sulit ang ating pagpa-plano. Ituturing ko itong huling gimik bago magsimula ng trabaho. Sana hindi ka na maging moody dahil mas nababagay ang ganiyan sa babae. Joke lang ulit, ang sexist ko naman. Sana matapos mo na din ang pag-aaral mo, at sana kapag sumikat na ang blog ko, mabasa mo ito at matuwa ka kahit papaano. Salamat kasi andami mo nang kuwentong ipinagkatiwala sa akin.

Plok, salamat dahil ikaw ang madalas kong nakakulitan sa kotse, kasi ikaw ang katabi ko, and vice versa. Tandaan mo, hindi hadlang ang pagiging virgin para magkaroon ng isang masayang relasyon. Joke. Sana may masagap ulit akong balita sa mga future endeavors mo, alam mo na.

Kino at Averi, dahilan sa tuwang-tuwa akong pagmasdan kayo sa lahat ng pagkakataon, pinagsama ko na ang mensahe ko. Sana magkaroon din ako ng ganiyan. Kapag tumaba kayong dalawa dahil nahiyang kayo sa isa't isa, sana'y tumaba din ang utak ko sa mga success stories ninyo. Kapag may trabaho na ako, sana totohanin natin ang usapang pagpunta sa beach. Salamat kasi napaka-bibo niyo ring magsalita. Huling hirit: Bagay talaga kayong dalawa. Kapag sumikat na ang blog ko, sana mabasa niyo 'to at ma-realize na simula kahapon, isa na akong full-fledged fan.

GS, pinaka-memorable ang may-gatas-ka-pa-labi-ish na pagpuna namin sa mga milk solids na nasa ilong at labi mo. Idagdag mo pa ang tatlong ice cream na inupakan mo na parang tig-iisang kutsara lang ng cough syrup. Speaking of. Sana gumaling ka na din agad sa ubo mo. Salamat din sa nerdy talk kasama si Curie sa SAP, sa mga oldies na banda, kay Reshiram, sa pasegway sa Realm of Thought.

Date undisclosed

Place undisclosed

Nalulungkot ako dahil malapit na akong magsimula ng trabaho at hindi ko man lang nakita ang tatlong pinakanagpaligalig ng aking buhay kolehiyo. Ana, Merryl at Robert, sana magkita na tayo, lalo na ngayong mga panahong wala pa akong sweldo para pantay-pantay pa. Madalas kapag naaalala ko kayo, bigla akong magpapadaan ng text o mensahe sa FB. Inaasahan kong magkakausap at patuloy niyo pa ding pagdudulutan ng ligalig ang aking buhay may trabaho.

Kung planado man ako kumilos, hindi lang siguro dahil gusto kong maging maayos ang lahat. Naiisip ko kasi na ang kaunti ng oras, na bawat tick tock na lumipas nang walang akong taong nakilala at nakasama, para itong tick tock na pinalipas ko nang hindi humihinga for 16 counts. Minsan, masarap ding makaramdam na tao ka lang na may pangangailangang mapansin at makita ng kapwa mong may parehong pangangailangan.

Paalam na muli sa aking paglalakbay. Tick tock. Tick tock. Babalik na ulit ako sa katinuan.

Leaving and Letting Go (Part 2)

Backread: Leaving and Letting Go (Part 1)



Leaving. Letting Go.

In a span of two days, I was amazed by the number of places I have gone to. Coastal Mall, Robinson's Summit, Glorietta, Timezone, Taguig, Alabang, Laguna, school, fastfood, Ortigas, Tektite, home. But equal also in number are the places I have left. Let's face it. You enter a mall and you exit from it. You enter school, and you finish. Yes you may enter again, but you'd also have to leave again. Even this life, I will have to leave from it.

Cliche is the line that says life is just a journey. But come to think of it, literally, we really are on a life-long journey. We pack our bags, eat something along the way. Find some things, lose some. Get hurt, learn a trick or two. Have companions, lose some of them. Travel with a group, travel alone. 

While thinking of so many things, I was worried by an idea that struck me. How would I manage my life? I wanted to travel my journey carrying with me anything that I find worth keeping. But alas, I can only carry so much. I believe I have carried things to which the weight was approaching my limits. Letting go of something was never an option. Consciously that is. 

In fact, I believe that being busy had kept me from valuing people I used to value before. I had forgotten birthdays (it matters to me), communication lines, short chats, used-to-do-everyday hangouts. While taking a bath yesterday, I had wanted to stop expanding my life, only to realize in a snap that that wasn't even possible.

Leaving and Letting Go is an Art

Now I believe, Leaving and Letting Go isn't just an act. It's an art. It's an art because people make their own guises to cover up leaving. Some make pretty dumb excuses, while some make really good ones. Some like to do it slowly, some like it abrupt. Some do not engage in this art, only to find out sooner or later that their artworks are just waiting in corner, and they had to pay the price of picking something up along the course of their lives.

Leaving and Letting Go isn't the same thing. You pick up a doll in your toddler years. By the onset of puberty, you didn't want it anymore. You left it. You pick up a baby bottle and suck on it. By pre-school years, you cry because you can find it anymore. You had to let go.

I leave my problems. I had to let go of some of my dreams. I left Los Banos. I had to let go of my past relationship. My mother's having a hard time to let go of me. I'm having a hard time to leave an unemployed status. I make sure that I have a good excuse for leaving home.

Inevitable

At the end of the day, we have to leave and let go of many things. Sometimes, it's not a problem since we are going to deal with it the day after. However, sometimes it does, in the case of the loss of a loved one. But, no matter who we are, we are bound to take part in this art. It's either we pick up every single thing, turn them into poorly made constructs, take none of them, and be afraid and pass up all of them, or just to create a multitude of them, and perfect them to the best our limits.

Leaving and Letting Go (Part 1)

5:44pm
Missing Ana, Merryl and Robert, and the missed Cagbalete Trip


The Story Left to Unfold for Itself

Leaving. Leave. Left. Last Thursday afternoon, I went to Makati for a job offer, to which, unfortunately I had willingly declined. The specifics, I prefer not to tell at this moment. Afterwards, I hanged out with a good friend, then stayed at their place. Before leaving home, I brought with me many things: clothes for the night, laptop, toiletries, a handful of stories to share, and energy. I know the next two days would be challenging, to say the least.

Thursday. An hour before the scheduled job offer, I jumped off the bus, and then looked high and low for a particular building. To my surprise, Robinson's Summit was just across the street. I had wanted to immediately cross the street, but being the good citizen that I am (yes yes yes), I looked for another way - the underpass (or subway?). I decided to meet my friend first. Passing through a fastfood stop, I uhh..stopped. Then had a meal with him, then off I went to the job offer. I was encouraged to make the job offer at that moment. But I left with a promise to comply with the agreement of making the decision tomorrow. By the next day, I had to let go.

After a few more hours at Makati, we went to Taguig, to spend the night. First thing in the morning, I left for Laguna. I just had to get my grades and other requirements, and then I have to speed through the traffic for my technical interview at 2pm in Ortigas. I literally passed by Los Banos, as I had just gotten my papers, ate my lunch, changed clothes in a comfort room, then left.

I was late for 2 minutes. I was really embarassed, because an HR Personnel already called. Good thing I was already near (inside the FX). I had wanted to tell her, "Ma'am, globe time ba kayo? Wala pang 2pm eh." Well of course, I didn't. Realization: The corporate world doesn't rely on Globe.

The interview lasted for almost 4 hours. You could imagine me already wanting to leave. But since I really wanted this job in this company, I focused all my remaining energy to be at my best, specially my mind. As soon as the interview was finished, I hurried off, and didn't even wait for the FXs going to SM Megamall. Instead, I walked my way.

I was glad to be home by 9. Did whatever I had to do, lied on my bed, and left consciousness for a much needed rest.

Random Shot

Date: April 28, 2012
Place: CAS Auditorium, University of the Philippines Los Banos

This was an event held by our college a few hours before the Graduation Rites. This was an opportune time to give due credit to everyone: members of the faculty, parents, students and everyone else. This is a picture with my Mama.

If I'd rank all the people in my life to whom I'm thankful for, she'd be on top. I see myself as a child in an endless travel to the end of my own rainbow. All these times, my mom was the reason for the existence of the pot of gold. She was my inspiration. My matchstick to light the flame. I may leave her behind at times, in pursuit of my own goals, but when I reach my pot of gold, I'd shout and say, "This is all because of you, Ma." Thank you.

In deep thought

Closest to us is not family, but death.
Farthest from us is not the moon or stars, but time passed.
Biggest is not the mountain or sun, but our lust and desire.
Heaviest weight is not an elephant or iron, but responsibility.
Lightest is neither wind nor feathers, but praying.
Sharpest is neither knife nor sword, but our tongue.


-Iman Ghazali

Anonymous Post

4:24pm

Umamin ka. Nagawa mo nang mahumaling sa mga quotes na hindi mo man kilala ang lumikha, eh pakiramdam mo parehong pareho kayo ng pinagdadaanan. 

George Herbert Mead, a psychologist, said that our life is divided into two key stages -- the play and the game stage. When we get to enter the game stage, we assume multiple roles, and we can take on one or more of them at the same time. If that is true, then I get to have a different me at home, in school, and in the many subgroups I have. Moreover, I will have to change some of me when I am in another group. Good thing I get to keep some of me inside and some of it outside, at will. I prefer to call this behavior as anonymity. Anonymity isn't hiding between a big wall; it's building a wall where a wall needs to be built.

Anonymity. Do what you have to do with it. For me? I hate it. I despise it. But then, I also like it, sometimes to the point of not sharing it with others. It's a right that we all practice though, consciously or unconsciously.

What is it with anonymity that makes me want it? I fell in love with anonymity the first time I met her. She held me by the hand and took me to places I have longed to be at and introduced me to people I have longed to get acquainted with. When you're in a world where nobody knows you, you get to show yourself naked* and not be afraid of people having to know you, and hence make nasty comments about the things you do. I met anonymity at an early age of 4, when I pretended I forgot my numbers until the rewards were raised to one peso. I recited my numbers furiously after that.

*Naked not to be taken literally. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with what I am. 

But, didn't you ever want to be someone else, even for a moment? When you're anonymous, you get to be invisible, free from the expectations set upon you by everyone else. Try signing up for a social networking site, or an online community. It's a good place to meet people anonymously. People may appear to look good; poser naman pala. People may appear to be carefree, but some really are executives taking opportunities to loosen up.

Anonymity is pretense. But we shouldn't actually care, because we all do pretend at some point in time.

Now, if Anonymity made me look like a god, then what is it with her that makes me hate her? Two things. We all get to look like gods, or I'm the only god. It either gets boring, or I get lonely. As we grow old, I think we have a human tendency to slowly throw away our desire to be liked by everyone else. Kaya siguro hindi na tinatanggap ang mga tumatanda sa showbusiness. Napapagod nang ipabanat ang mga mukha at pagkatao nila para sa fans. Kidding.

It even works for me. I'm just in my early 20s, but I had changed from being very socially adaptive, to uhh.. being slighty socially adaptive. It's a good start. The main reason is that I want people to look at me, say that I am imperfect, and yet would still want my company.

-----

Don't say you don't pretend, because you're only pretending you don't pretend you're pretending. Anonymity however, works best on these situations:

          Dates (Love-related)

          Job interviews (Career-related)

          With parents (Home-related)

          With enemies (Diplomacy)

          With rants (Survival)

          At church (A good example)

          At bed (Maximum pleasure)

          Alone (I do. Srsly.)

You don't always hear the name of Ogie Alcasid in the lyrics of the songs he made;

Picasso's initials aren't splattered all over his paintings;

Harry Potter probably has more pictures than J.K. Rowling in the net;

A photographer doesn't always have to be in his awesome pictures;

And you don't see G-O-D spelled in every kind deed you give and receive.








photo source

Pag-usapan natin iyan

4:36am

Umamin ka. Sinubukan mo nang makipag-usap sa iyong magulang. Sinubukan mong iparating ang iyong saloobin. Makipag-diskusyon nang may tamang basehan. Ngunit aminin mo din, sa maraming pagkakataon, matatapos ang usapan sa alinman sa mga ito. Mamili ka: 

1. Umiiyak ang kausap mo kaya tumigil ka na lang; (appeal to emotions)
2. Natamaan ka na ng bakya o kaya ng malapad-lapad na palad sa pisngi; (brute force method)
3. Natutuyuan ka na ng laway; (low IQ+EQ kausap)
4. Paikut-ikot na lamang ang usapan; (low IQ+EQ kayo pareho)
5. Nalaman mong ikaw ang mali. (good boy)

Naniniwala ako na may tatlong klaseng tao sa mga ganitong usapan. Una, isang taong sarado ang utak na kahit iuntog mo na ang ulo mo sa pader, mag-peksman-hope-to-die drama ka, o mag-pinky promise ka pa, ay hindi paniniwalaan ang kahit anong sabihin mo. Sila ang tipong may sariling pananaw sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay - Philosophy, Mathematics, Science, Literature, Movies, Current Events at kung anu-ano pa. Ang katagang "hindi ko alam" ay wala sa kanilang bokabularyo. Titigil lang sila kapag nalaman nilang sila ang nagwagi sa usapan, o kaya kapag nasampal mo na siya ng Encyclopedia na nagsasabing patay na si Elvis Presley, kalakip ang sabi-ko-sayo-tama-ako-eh na ngiti. Mahirap kausap ang mga ganitong tao.

Pangalawa, may mga taong tangu lang ng tango. Parang aso sa may harapan ng kotse, walang ibang ginawa kundi sang-ayunan ang lahat ng sinasabi mo. Halos wala silang pinagkaiba sa pagkausap ng pader, lamang lang ang pader kasi mas maagang matapos ang pag-uusap. Walang challenge. Walang paggamit ng rason. Masarap kumausap ng mga ganito kapag kaka-break mo lang sa ex mo, kapag may mga rants ka at gusto mo lang ng may mapaglalabasan ng sama ng loob.

At siyempre, nandiyan ang ikatlong uri ng kausap, ang marunong makinig at marunong makipag-usap sa tamang paraan. Taglay nila ang buong kalooban ng isang sarado ang utak, pero marunong din tumango at tanggapin ang kanilang pagkakamali.

Alin man sila sa tatlong ito, mas pipiliin mo pa din ang isang taong nagsasalita sa taong hindi. Normal sa akin na gamitin ang laway ko, at masarap sa pakiramdam na may taong kapareho mo ng nalalaman. Healthy discussions. 


photo source

Shattered

1:37 am
The moment I heard it

Hindi. Hindi ako yung shattered. Uhh, siguro shattered din nang bahagya. Pero may shattered talaga. Literal na nabasag ko kasi ang LCD ng laptop ng bestfriend kong si Ana. How bad can it be? Papalitan lang naman ang LCD. Magbabayad ng mahal sa pagkakamaling ginawa ko. Sana matuto na ako. At sana, hindi na maulit ang ganitong pagkakataon.

I know you read my blog Ana. Sa kabila ng mga ngiti ko, nandoon pa din ang hiya at paulit-ulit na sorry.

Ciao (2008)

1:36 am

When I watch movies, I try my best to remind myself not to look at the remaining time. It gives me an added freedom to watch the movie without worrying when it will end, or how much time I have left.

It gives me the freedom to hope for a better ending.

It makes me lose track of time.

In my world where time is of the essence, I'd be willing to take a tricycle ride even at short distances. I'd be willing to indulge in microsleep whenever I can, believe me. And as much as I don't want to, I have to pass up on some of the things I would've done otherwise if I just had the time.

The mystery of time has always amused me. How now can become a thing of the past in the blink of an eye, how the past always gets farther away, and how the near future accelerates at such speed. I never really gave much thought about time when I was a kid. Now, I question myself where all the time that passed went. Is there a huge time-collecting bin that stores used up time? Or is time much like a memory, possibly dissipating in thin air once consumed?

We live by the time; classes start at 7:00am, not 7:01, nor 6:59. We couldn't cheat time, because at the end of the day, we just lived a total of 24 hours. That doesn't change. I had often wished for an extra hour everyday, and asked people if they would also want to do the same.

Time is gold, my friends used to tell. My father gave a different but similar maxim. Time is money. He always used to lecture this to us when we were kids. He was Japanese, and he cannot be a minute late during meetings. He wasn't often with us, and that literally, for us, meant money for the family. As I am sitting here, I had told myself that time is of ultimate importance. Give me something you couldn't do without spending time. Nothing. Just nothing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Cruelty

Nakakalungkot isipin na madaming tao ang sarado ang utak pagdating sa mga homosexual. Mas masahol pa nga minsan sa isang murderer ang labas nila.

Naging emotional lang ako dahil sa nabasa ko: Balita