Rebirth

It has been days, weeks, months perhaps.
Magic the Gathering cards.
Broken friendships.
Sleepless nights.

I want to come back to where I truly belong. To who I was, and who I think I want to be. I know I'm not making sense to anyone, even myself. And I'm not drunk, in case you're wondering.

A simple wish for a simple guy -- I want life to be challenging but not uptight, and sufficient. Last Friday, I waved goodbye to a friend of mine in the office. Saturday came and I met with college friends. I spent the rest of the weekend with another set of friends. I came to realize how devoted I am to work, and though many people say it will pay off in the near future, I kept on looking left and right for signs. Signs that may lead me to another direction.

I was hoping for a sign. Just one.

No, I was looking for one.

And then it hit me.

Less work, more time for people. More sleep, wake up refreshed. Go home early, work out, eat healthy. Save, but don't be too hard on myself. Watch a movie, talk often. Wear a bigger smile. Accept the fact that I can't do everything that I'm told, but I will still do my best.

Less bottles of beer, treat my family to lunch. Buy a new shirt every month. Save for a new bag. Buy less cards. And yes, try to help out in one of our biggest suffering, Yolanda.

Small steps. Small steps.

Boomerang

Picture this. You work hard for an exam, and you get a perfect score. You took good care of your orchids and after a few weeks you see them in full bloom. You invest continuously in the stock market, and count some years, you will be able to start your own business.

Nothing beats the feeling of getting something you think you deserve. Simply put, you feel worthy maybe because of something you possess;  a desirable quality perhaps, a unique skill, or hardwork.

We are used to this. I'm sorry I needed companion so I used the term we. This is rational, because when the time comes that the things we do not expect happen more frequently than the things we do, we probably will change sides/expectations. I think the deserving part is a developed feeling, a feeling that grew through time and events.

Now picture this. You work hard for an exam, but you get an average score. You took good care of your orchids but after a few weeks half of them died. You invest in the stock market, and you went bankrupt.

Change of plans? I just might. In the past, actually, I did. *insert a lot of persuasive thoughts here* This is what I think we should work on. Challenging our inner bestialities and not giving in, as long as we still can look forward to something good.

Overwhelming

I. Can't. Sleep. Anymore.

My thoughts right now are like that - jittery (I have to borrow that term from Adobe Photoshop). It really feels like it, my mind jumping from one corner to another. I have done what I think I can do to get a few hours of precious sleep. I tried light snacks, reading two chapters of another book from David Levithan, watching an entire Russian film, read messages, re-read messages, get out of bed, close my eyes. I have done a lot. And sad to say, I think I'm going to work later light-headed.

I believe there are two reasons for this. One, my sleep was a bit dislocated since last Friday night. Remember, I left home from Miker's birthday party (which was more of a drinking and videoke session). Second, I can't put into writing my schedule for today. And for the rest of the week actually.

A mental checklist of the things to accomplish this week at work:

1. Finish the build scripts for my current project (due Tuesday night), which is currently under branching phase;
2. Start with the build scripts of the next project where I will be allocated (due September 22), which I have yet to start;
3. Help in preparing the CVS setup and build scripts as well of another project that asked for additional resources; and
4. Finish the repository file for a task in another project.

That's a total of four projects, and I can't say for sure if I can finish them all with their respective deadlines. I really can't wait to go to work. I hope I can pull this week off. God knows I can.

I can already smell breakfast.

Cousin Jeff

A few minutes earlier, I was drinking a bottle of Tanduay Ice and a half-consumed pack of Piattos. Now I'm drinking a bottle of cold water and eating a few pieces of rambutan. What happened in between is going to be history, but I'm writing it here to preserve the memory.

I was listening to my cousin (who I treat as my brother, long story) telling me about how tiring work becomes for him. He was promoted a bit sooner than expected, which means a lot of things: 

1. Having subordinates who are older than him;
2. Heavier load; and
3. Higher expectations.

And if this is not enough, he feels that he cannot do it. He was a bit down with the three bottles he had drunk in just a short span of time. I tell him how lucky he is about getting a job, though I know that he really is tired. But what can we do? I have embraced the fact that we are destined to work hard when we are still young, and whether we still get to work when we are old depends on the path we take during our younger years.

After a while, I remember one of my college best friends, who I think is equally burdened.

This is the world we live in.

It's All About Me

Today was a day well spent. I believe this is the first shopping session that I had since I started doing better on managing my finances (oh how I love to say that). But please scale down your thoughts when you hear me say the word shop. Since we weren't taught to live an extravagant life, and because since we do not have that kind of living in the first place, my family only used to do this once or twice a year. The first one before the school starts, and the next one during Christmas season.

Now that I'm earning, and that I have never asked money from my parents, and since they do not give me Christmas money to spend anymore boohoo, I buy once a year, and I usually have more or less three thousand to spend. Imagine a shirt, pants, new socks, a pair of shoes perhaps, a new book, whatever. All of these has to fit in. You might say that this is just another problem for a first-world kid. But this isn't. I don't even live in a first-world country (though that's not an issue). It is an issue for me, because I have plans (too wonderful to share now), and I want to say to myself that I can buy the things because I deserve them, either because I worked hard at work and/or I manage my finances well (oh how I love to say that again).

Can you recall an experience when you were still a kid, where you used to roam through the department stores with your mom and dad? Not sure about your exact experience, but my eyes go on all directions, with matching whoos and ahhs and this feeling where I want to contain my excitement. Up to now, I still do. I just walk along stores, and I feel full of all these things, even though I can't buy them all. I am always indebted to the malls for giving me that feeling. That feeling keeps me coming back.

This afternoon was a really good experience. I failed to buy an umbrella, but I bought a few good stuff. And I know these things will come a long way. It was a good me-time. A very good one.

And I forgot to mention, I also bought mama an oversized feminine wash (around 250mL of feminine wash is big for me). She was so delighted. I think it's good to give small, nice things to parents, especially if they're the things they do need but they do not allocate finances to buy, just like this thing. I asked her if she has cologne in her drawer. Now I have another thing to buy next time.

Plug and Play

Life can sometimes be like a game where we have to play in order to achieve a certain goal. In a game, we might define our progress in terms of the number of sub-quests we have accomplished, as with many role-playing games. In other games, we might define it in terms of the distance we have traveled. Surprisingly, we might even define our progress based on our status with respect to other players, as with time survival games.

What's different though, is that we only get to pick one game, uncertain if another game awaits us at our completion (or failure). There are only two ways to know this. We either finish the game (you may choose any one of the majestic endings of Chrono Cross), or we run out of lives (typical Game Over).

Prologue
There is always a thrill when starting a new game, probably because the momentum is still conserved, or because of the reviews of beta players, or maybe because you like to play the game better than other previously saved games. Much like in real life, we get hyped up whenever new opportunities arrive. Our greatest opportunity, life itself, is already a great challenge. To bombard it more with a lot of interesting stuff make it more grand.

Job Selection. Name provision. Attributes. Strengths. Weaknesses. I am the type of person who fascinates myself with exploring the different possibilities of what can exist in a game. I am the type of person who spends time to level up characters as much as possible early on, or exhaust all sub-quests before moving on to the next. Being a person inclined in Combinatorics, manual exhaustion is always an option (if time permits). This surge of excitement usually starts early, and we tend to make an outline of how our strong we plan our character to be, or how we want things to flow in-game. Like games, we have a great degree of control of our own lives.

Party Formation
Life can never be the same for everyone. I believe that the dynamism of life is caused by our needs, needs than only others can fulfill. That is why there is almost always a stratification in games. Not one can finish the game alone. In single-player games, you might need an offensive unit an a support unit. With the advent of MMORPG, things get much more real. You will realize later on that you have a better chance of success if you are not alone.

Not every game is tolerant of cooperation, and even if that is not the case, conflicts within cooperative units may also occur once in a while. As with rare loots that not everyone of us can get, we also get haunted by promotions, favoritism, conspiracies, and getting up the ladder of success. This I believe is due to an image formed in our minds that success is shaped like a pyramid; not all can be on top.

Checkpoint
Just right before that powerful boss, we are given a chance to save our progress, or to use a tent or cottage (like in Final Fantasy games). Checkpoints in different games mean different things. It can signal the start of something important, something that is worth giving multiple tries, or something that will happen rarely.

Checkpoints in our lives raise our consciousness for something that needs our attention. This may translate to making decisions, decisions that range from selecting what to wear for school, or what to buy for lunch, to something bigger like when to marry, or when to buy a new house. These checkpoints give us time to inhale, and weigh our choices.

Choosing which game to play
At the midst of everything, we may wonder where this would lead to eventually. If this is worth the time. If playing translates to something more than re-living our lives in a smaller. Then reality snaps. The game gets unpaused. We continue and get ourselves immersed once again. We only get this much to think of the greater picture, nature forces us to move along.

Tips for Survival
Just play on. Nothing happens if you stop playing, because other will, regardless of you.

Epilogue
Back when I frequently get those in-deep-thought moments, I pictured our lives as a big, advanced game, played by Someone above us. Someone who really is in control, compared the great control that we thought we have. Someone who would "grant" us limited freedom, much like the limited freedom we "grant" AI/NPC units. Someone who is powerful enough to pick the game He wants to play. I thought that was unfair. But as years passed, my perspective changed. Maybe everything is just a game, we just have to play with the best of our abilities. Maybe we are part of the lucky lot of beta testers. And maybe, just maybe, if we play good enough, we can get a glimpse of our next game.

Batangas Trip, CMDC Resort with Manukan

I haven't shared with my blog the wonderful trip I had last August 10 and 11. It bothered me a bit because the anniversary celebration of my college organization was also having its own party. Nonetheless, I knew that with or without me, the celebration must go on. Bawi na lang ako next time.

The seaside. We did not wade in the water though.

August 10
Morning started early as I had to wake up at 6am for our meetup at El Pueblo at nine. I arrived on time. I expected a handful of guys with us, but we were only six, since some of our tripmates still had to play basketball in the evening.

For most of the trip, we barely talked, probably most of us still recovering from sleep. When we entered Batangas, we were all awake, then Dave and I started a little chat on random office things. We stopped by at the provincial market in San Juan, Batangas to buy the things we will cook later. I have to commend their wet market; it was cleaner than the ones my mother usually goes to.

When we arrived at the place, we were holding our voices. Or, maybe it was just me. I was holding my ooh-here-we-are-and-its-so-nice statement. Looking at the place, I knew we can have a good time.

We were cooking, and telling stories, and swimming,
and having drinks, that we didn't recognize it was already dark.

And one more thing, we also played Kinect, the one associated with Xbox. Not really a fan of technology, but it was good to be like kids playing like there's no tomorrow. I don't know if they are like this on a normal day, but my life is less active (near dull) on normal weekends.

August 11
The day went by so fast. I got out of bed at 7am, and found Miker already cleaning the living room for leftover drinks and stuff. Compared to my other drinking experiences back in college, the drinking area was a bit clean.

Had some coffee, just looked at sun, walked at the beach, and next thing we knew, we were having lunch, and heading our way back home.

On top: Miker, Dave. In the pool: Me, Joy, Robert, Blessie, Gary, Maika,
Phoebe, Ivy, Dang, Norman. Photo taken by Jeff.

-----

This group comprised mostly Azeus people with their wives or girlfriends. I am still new to this group, and they usually hang out after work drinking. Recently due to personal reasons, I wasn't able to go with them. I am thankful that they still know me. Kidding. I wish I had more time, money, safety, so that I can be with them more.

Credits to Jeff for the pictures. Sorry I had to steal an online copy haha.

Office Support

Here I am still at work. It doesn't bother me that much though. I'm happy doing this. Just a few more items, and it's gonna be Friday baby. :)

Limits

Umamin ka. Minsan nakaka-frustrate kausap ang taong paulit-ulit mong sasabihan at paulit-ulit din malilimutan ang mga bagay na sinasabi mo. Just office-related stuff. Maybe I also need to grow up and learn to appreciate other people as they are. This will pass I know.

Personal Finance

1:09am
Last post before going to sleep

I stayed at home this weekend because I am broke, or just not financially liquid would be a better term. *yabang sa jargons* I'm currently waiting for the company reimbursement on the meals I purchased during overtime work at the office. I got short in cash because of that. Part also of my pride tells me not to withdraw from my savings account. Those, or maybe because the next salary is just around the corner.

As if by chance, I also got acquainted with an e-book that I got hold of on February 28, 2011. I think it was about personal finance; this is one of the three books my father asked me to read way way back. I downloaded this one the moment he asked me to, but didn't even finish a chapter. Since I was running low on cash, I considered stumbling on the book as a surprise I have been waiting for.

Just a short background: I am the type who is able to save because I am innately thrift, sometimes even stingy. Way back in elementary when my allowance is only 20 pesos a day, I was able to buy a limited edition Monster Rancher action figure set worth 500 pesos. It was at least 10 year ago, and I guarantee you, 500 pesos was pretty big. You could have imagined my face when I brought home the box the size of two bond papers. As the years went by, saving was pretty much the same. I was able to save for a few shirts in Penshoppe, Bench and Human (I really liked their style back then). In college, I was able to eat and wathc movies with friends. Bottomline is, although I can save, I cannot hold on to this for too long. Maybe because way back, I saw a nice toy, or I want to buy new clothes, or hang out with friends, or I drank too much, and a whole lot of excuses.

While reading the book, I am slowly looking at how I lived and am living my life. I am currently on the third chapter of the book, and I have already learned so much. The book is entitled The Seven S.E.C.R.E.T.S. of the Money Masters, and although I just can't do everything that the book says, I'm happy to learn new things. A lot of things. First thing to try out is to track every expense, up to the last centavo. Good luck na lang sa akin sa supermarket pagdating sa sukli.

Maybe you can also ask yourself. When will you start to manage your income and your finances? How sure are you that the amount of things you earn and spend will still be the same several years from now? Funny, I just sounded like a financial adviser.

Not A Post

I just don't feel like blogging.

How ironic this is.

Panicky for Panic

I was surprised when I saw that Panic at the Disco is included in the concerts headed by Fall Out Boy. I am not that much of a fan of FoB as compared to PATD.

However, it saddened me to hear Panic's released music video for Miss Jackson. Though though though I know that it's quite good. It just sounded so.. FoB.

Have a feel of the music. Happy lunch!

Productivity

3:14am

I cannot sleep anymore because I woke up at 1 in the morning, having accidentally slept at 7pm, because I did a lot of things during the day. Err accidentally might not be the best term.

• processed my passport (only waiting for shipping)
• fixed my bank account (had wrong details on it)
• did half day at work (doing almost nothing, hey that IS hard)

Work starts later at 8am, and I have a lot to do, because things have gone back to normal, with regards to my task as part of the SCM team. Will have to wake up at 5am in the morning.

Will I still sleep?

Family First

1:56am

True to my word, I watched Forrest Gump. I cried throughout the credits (and every now and then at the middle). It was a film I can very much relate to.

I miss my dad (he's still alive in case you're wondering).
I am afraid of what the future could bring (even at this early age).
I am afraid to be alone, though I know that we are destined to leave this world alone.

I'm sorry if it's an all-about-me post. I just felt alone, despite everything around me, including Him.

Films with vivid imagery of a family oftentimes touch me in many ways. I just remembered the promise I made to myself that I will make my family happy the moment I finish schooling. Lately, we haven't spent much time together; it's always friends, and hanging out, and work. I felt guilty.

Anyway, the movie, for me, was very touching and inspiring. Great to watch with family. I might want to let mama watch this during her spare time.

Perfect Opportunity

8:04pm

I remember a scenario in college. We were walking along isawan, (near Raymundo gate) -- me and a very good college friend of mine, Ana. I mentioned that I wanted to watch a lot of films, even up to now. As of writing this entry, I have yet to watch Finding Nemo, The Avengers, and a lot of well-loved films, with me probably not even aware of their existence. She mentioned one that remained in my mind. Forrest Gump.

I wanted to watch it tonight. But lately, petty things are happening to me -- me being tight on finances, my father celebrating his birthday recently without us, a lot of stuff happening beyond office hours (not what you think), missing friends, and a whole lot more, I tend to seek for lower depths. Spend time alone, shed a few tears. You know, something like amplifying the situation. Masarap palakihin ang mga bagay-bagay. I feel in control that way.

So I searched for a list of dramatic films. Tried to look at each of them. And had seen an odd review. Guess what, Forrest Gump is at number one. All the while I thought this film is something like the Grinch or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 

So off I go to take a shower, do some situps, and prepare for this film. Maybe it's just me, but I found it amazing, destiny perhaps.

EnRoute

At kahit na malakas ang ulan kagabi na may kalat-kalat na pagkulog, pagkidlat at pagnanakaw sa QC, pinilit ko pa ding makapunta sa pagtitipon ng mga kakilala ko sa isang online community. Hindi ko naman siya pinagsisihan.

Matagal din akong nawala sa sirkulasyon ng komunidad na yun. Sana'y ito na ang magandang simula.

May mga gusot na nabigyang linaw. May mga natutunan ako kay Russ, pataasin ang EQ at huwag hayaang makaramdam ng guilt feeling kung may napupusuan ka, kasi hindi naman siya mali. Ang dapat pagtuunan ng pansin ay ang pakikitungo sa tao. Expect nothing more than a normal friend, Russ said. Salamat kaibigan.

One of these days makakabili din ako ng camera at mabibigyang buhay na din ang blog ko with matching pictures. :)

Weird

I dreamed last night (or last last night) that I was dancing with a batchmate of mine in the office, and then suddenly, embracing me from behind. The name's Pem, and though it doesn't seem right, I kinda liked the warm fuzzy feeling especially in my behind.

Good night bloggy. Here's to another episode. Haha

Immaturity

Please be mine.

Random Bloody Things

Mama and I went to the hospital to undergo blood chemistry tests. Lately she's feeling nauseous (but I always tell her it's because she knows we're going to have our blood tested hmp). In my case, however, it's different. I remember back in college, I used to eat two meals every morning. I call it second breakfast, for obvious reasons. Off-topic: With this, I suddenly missed my standard breakfast back in college -- hotdog with a lot of ketchup, malasadong itlog, rice, and kopiko black or brown coffee depending of the number of hours I slept the other day. I'll have my second breakfast right after my first class. And my tummy will only feel the satisfaction after the second meal.

About two weeks ago, I felt that urge again, coupled by disturbing nights where I can't sleep because I'm hungry, although I never skipped dinner. I also gained more than 10kg within less than 1 year in my work. Nahiyang ako haha.

Moving on, mama had her CBC, but I didn't had mine. Mine was different, and I had to undergo 8 hours of fasting for this. So, I'll be having my Fasting Blood Sugar (FBS) test by Saturday. It's a test to detect development or progress of diabetes. I'm praying to have good results. I'm not ready to leave drinking yet. *laughs* Seriously, I don't want to have the same disorder that my father has. He's way more disciplined than I am.

Afterwards, we had a fruit shake earlier, and it had kiwi, which I haven't eaten for about a year, so my kiddie taste buds were happy after that treat.

With all the crappy medical fees, I still hope that I can open my most coveted bank account soon.

Clean Slate

Lately, I often feel the urge to fall in love again. 

You can mark that statement as wrong.Thinking about it, can we really feel the urge to fall in love, or do we just notice it when we're already in the moment? Parang may halong pagpipilit kasi kung nararamdaman mo muna bago ka mahulog. But I guess that's the second best way to call it. Better than calling it desperation I guess.

Enough of the drama. I can't wait to watch either Schindler's List this midweek, or Shawnshank Redemption. It's a way of proving myself that I can still live a life outside work. Hehe

Adult Superman

Ilang beses kong pinangarap na maging si Superman. 

Noong bata pa ako, mga Prep or Kinder, madalas akong tumititig sa alas-sais na araw; makikipagtagisan ako ng galing. Aabutin ng limang minuto akong tititig sa kanya. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam, malamang naiisip ko sa panahong ito yung mga eksena sa pelikula kung saan gigising ang pasyente at may nakabubulag na liwanag. Pakiramdam ko ang galing-galing ko, kasi sa aking paningin, nahahati ko ang puting liwanag sa iba't ibang kulay. Lila, luntian, kahel, rosas. X-ray vision kumbaga. Ramdam ko, ako si Superman.

Ni minsan hindi ko kinatakutan ang mga numero. Minahal ko sila, at minahal din nila ako dahil hindi naging mailap para sa akin ang pag-unawa sa misteryo na kanilang taglay. Inaamin ko, minahal ko din ang pagkilala at ang mainit na pagtanggap ng tao sa pagmamahal ko sa sining ng numero. Iniisip ko, basta't samahan ng pagpupursigi at puso, wala mahirap na bagay pagdating sa Math. Sa ikalawang pagkakataon, inakala kong ako si Superman.

Ilang buwan na ang nakalilipas, nagsimula akong hirap na hirap sa trabaho. Overtime ng Lunes. Overtime hanggang Biyernes. Hindi ko batid kasi masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Inom ng Lunes. Pahinga ng Martes. Inom ulit ng Miyerkules, pati ng sa Biyernes. Pagdating ng Sabado't Linggo, gusto ko pang lumabas para kitain ang mga kaibigan ko. Ang dami kong oras. Ang dami kong lakas. Muli, inakala kong ako si Superman.

Inakala, pero hindi pala. Binulag ako ng araw, sinaktan ako ng kasikatan, at pinaasa lang ako ng pagkakataon para isipin kong kaya kong gawin ang lahat.

Nagkausap kami ni mama kanina. Naglabas ako ng hinaing. Pinaunawa niyang hindi ko kayang hawakan ang lahat sa aking mga kamay. Minsan, kailangan kong ipaubaya sa itaas. Mabuhay lang ako kung ano ang kaya kong gawin. Matutong humindi.

Hindi ako nakalabas ngayon. Grounded. Mabigat noong una, pero napaisip din ako sa usapan namin kanina. Hindi na ako pabata. Hinding-hindi ko kayang maging si Superman. 

Hindi ko alam kung saan tutungo ang buhay ko ngayon, pero ramdam kong may maganda akong aabangan sa dulo.

25

12:16am
Too much excited to work


I happened to remember a good friend of mine as she had a few arguments with her lover a few years back because/with the help if iTunes. The lover of my friend had on top of her list the song that reminded an ex-girlfriend. Funny. With that, I checked on my list. I installed this mid-last year. It felt good to remember the story behind each song. I wanted to extend my list to 50, but the next songs were sung by We The Kings. I used to have a whole week listening to their songs. At least eight hours a day.

Without further a do.


Friday is Forever (We The Kings) 188 | na-LSS din kapatid ko dito
Para Lang Sa'yo (Aiza Seguerra) 177 | induced heartache
Unlovable (Mild) 155 | when I wanted many things Thai; language, movies, etc. but didn't work out
Oh (Girl's Generation) 105 | Azeus Company Christmas party
On the Wings of Love (Regine Velasquez) 90 | I've loved her songs since college

In Repair (John Mayer) 87 | John Mayer craze
Dreaming With A Broken Heart (John Mayer) 85 | still the same craze
Eyes on Me (Faye Wong, FF8 OST) 84 | one of the best console game I played
Love Takes Time (Mariah Carey) 78 | I used to listen to these at least twice every morning
Butterfly (Mariah Carey) 72 | twice as well

Bye Bye (Mariah Carey) 70 | yeah twice
If I Can't Have You (A1) 66 | listen to this during rainy, lazy weekend afternoons
Thank God I Found You (Mariah Carey feat Joe, 98 Degrees) 66 | morning song, twice
One Last Song (A1) 55 | also a lazy song
Amber (311) 55 | dunno why, siguro nakatulugan ko lang na naka-loop lol

Heaven By Your Side (A1) 54 | videoke days
Simpleng Tao (Gloc 9) 54 | videowkey days, a bit tipsy
Don't Speak Liar (We The Kings) 53 | We The Kings craze
Here Comes the Rain (A1) 52 | lazy rainy song (as the title implies)
Fallin' (Janno Gibbs) 52 | first love

Secret Valentine (Acoustic) (We The Kings) 52 | We The Kings craze
We'll Be A Dream (We The Kings Feat. Demi Lovato) 52 | Pre-craze + We The Kings craze
The View from Here (We The Kings) 52 | We The Kings craze
Like A Rose (A1) 51 | videoke + rainy song
Heaven Can Wait (We The Kings) 51 | We The Kings craze
Anna Maria (All We Need) (We The Kings) 51 | We The Kings craze


And now I'll try my best to insert Michael Bublé songs from now on. I am liking Everything, Home, and his rendition of All I Want for Christmas.

I Had The Best Title A While Ago

11:53 pm
While in the mood
Home - Michael Bublé


This has been, continues to be, and probably will still be, one of the greatest failures of my life timeline -- I forget. Ironically, will the advent of text messaging, numerous apps that offer free online video conferences (hello Viber, I will try you when the next good lovelife comes along), I still forget people. I forget the details good (and equally-heavy-bad) memories. I cannot remember the feeling of my first failure, my first success, my first (and last) circumcision, and all other stuff. It gets frustrating at times, and I am at least thankful that I also forget how I felt during those frustrating times.

On top of this, I cannot miss people. People will become a good part of my life, but will also leave me. I am still holding on to my selfish maxim for the longest time. I wrote a separate post about that, but I can't remember (good excuse).

I am having a hard time connecting to every group that I had made in the past. Family, High School, College, SMM, PEx, Elite, Work. Major groups lang iyan. I'm juggling at least six balls, and I don't even know how to juggle.

Maybe this is the reality of life. I'm just at the point between frustration and acceptance. Give me a few more years, and a few more maturity, maybe, just maybe I will finally accept that this failure of mine is but a defining characteristic of being human.

Crazy Stuff

3:12am
Still not sleepy


I just had my first ever diamond peel yesterday. I can already feel the glow. Kidding.

I went from south to north. From Alabang, then off to Megamall. It was fun, though both my body and my finances were exhausted. Another goal for 2013. Ayos!

I will also try to post my 2013 goals here. In case I forget, everytime I go through my posts I will be reminded.

Picture Perfect

1:08am
Insert perfect picture here

I am doing my best to make a list of the goals that I want to achieve this year. Material and non-material. Err but mostly material.

On top of my consciousness is a good digital camera. I want to capture those perfect moments. Capturing images is stealing from your own memory, at a very small expense. I wanted to plan so bad for a camera that it took me until this moment. Just thinking about it. I went home past nine.

Imagine.

Rays of the sun peeking through the clouds.
The smile of a loved one, frozen forever in time.
A red rose bud.
Loud children.
Amusement rides.
Weddings.

Okay I should stop now. Baka umagahin ako nito.

Towards day three

11:38pm

Better to write a word of honesty than lines of lies.

I was about to write a better post, but I suddenly lost the urge. I'll try to write organized thoughts next time. Don't worry bloggy, you are dearly missed.

It's good that I was able to leave the office exactly after rendering 8 hours of work. I followed the advice of Dhenz. Besides, we don't get overtime pay, so the overtime hours I spend is pure passion. And meeting deadlines. It was a struggle at first, but when I look at myself now, I'm proud and happy of where I am. This is all with His grace of course.

Six months. I barely noticed the six months that passed. Worst case 5 hours traveling time. I went home once at seven in the morning. I arrived first and opened the office. I went home last and closed it as well. It all paid off. I got my formal regularization letter by December 18. The informal regularization notice was given a week or so earlier, and I was tad happy upon hearing the good news. Some people had to go, and it wasn't that easy for them. However, I do think that they will manage in the months to come.

When I hear the word manage, I recall one of my dreams. To manage my own tea-pasta shop. But to do that, I must manage my resources carefully.